* perceptions change when one enters what we call ‘middle age’

 

The Dog Is Gone

The dog is gone. So is everything else, everyone else. Any hint of comfort or normalcy. The dog died last March and I should’ve known it would be the first event in the shit storm I’ve lived through. I left the gate open one too many minutes, so on top of it all it’s my fault. 12 years by my side and I couldn’t even think to keep the gate closed. I've been told I’m selfish and careless and every other adjective in that judgmental category but it didn’t bother me because I don’t care about them. But this dog. This dog I should’ve changed myself for. 

 

Two Truths and a Lie

1. I once met someone who had a pet zebra. I hate the smell of cigars. I relate to everything ever written by Joan Didion.

2. I love my daughter. I I love my son. I love my husband.

3. Belonging to a country club has always been a dream of mine. I can’t wait for menopause. I refuse to read the news. 

 

Changed World

I forget what it was like here before phones. Maybe one long scene. A movie instead of a TV series. 

 

Stuck in my Seat

I haven’t seen you in nine months. Waiting on my plane seat, cramped from head to toe, I suddenly feel nervous. I’ve been sitting in this god damn seat for seven hours only wishing of the moment I’ll escape it. Now all I want to do is stay in it for longer. Years, maybe. 

I get in your car and big topics come up. Not immediately, but close to immediately. There’s only a need for a short hello and then we jump into it. It’s not that there’s tension, exactly. More that our usual love for telling each other things we don’t mind forgetting is gone. The ease is gone. Letters and the occasional Facetime don’t give us time to tell each other things we don’t mind forgetting. It’s all, how’s the family? And, any bad moments? Or, Oh, you’re only on one medication now? 

Eventually, we sit in the car and listen to the radio. The ease will come back. 

 

Guessing

If I had to guess, I’d say my oldest sister will die old and healthy but alone. I’d say my brother will die in the next ten years, most likely from drugs. My parents will die in a bed together. My best friend right after hanging up the phone with her shrink. I shouldn’t think about these things but I do think I’m right. I have no inkling as to how I’ll die. Maybe I won’t.