Forward:

My oldest brother broke up with his girlfriend 18 months into their relationship, and two weeks after she spent 4th of July with my family. She straightened her hair and didn’t know the first thing about art history. In fact, she wished to pursue a career in makeup. In her family home, everything is white and each member eats in their respective room. Her depressed mother sleeps in regularly. 

 

My oldest sister broke up with her boyfriend 18 months into their relationship, and one week after he spent 4th of July with my family. He not only forgot to close the blinds in the upstairs bedroom, but also made sure to drink three liters of water per day. At 27, he still didn’t know what he wanted to do in life. He and his parents run marathons together as a bonding activity. 

 

Here I present a conduct book for any successors. The devil is in the details. 

 

Table Manners:

• Be early to participate in cooking conversations, but not too early: let the adults have some candid conversation time before your arrival.  

• Always offer help setting the table or cleaning it up. Never do so without genuine intent. 

  • Never ask others to help — you must know how a table should be adorned.*

• Sit with both feet touching the ground, or with one leg crossed over the other.

• Do not bring your mouth to your food, but your food (on your fork) to your mouth.

• Do not mix around food on your plate. Keep things tidy.

• Do not stab your fork into your meat. Be gentle, always be gentle. Your fork and knife should be doing equal work.

• Place your fork and knife at 3 o’clock when finished.

• Drink wine, but not too much wine.

• Talk, but not too much.

• Speak with confidence, but not too loud.

• Answer questions with consideration, never just a yes or no.

• Consider listening important. Not everything on your mind must be spoken. So much can be learned from listening. 

• Do not hesitate or act polite for the sake of it. Yes, I would like some more. No, thank you. No, “um, why not,” or, “maybe later.”

• Act pretty, but do not act like you know you are pretty.

• If you mess up, you may admit to it. Demonstrating embarrassment may provoke a laugh and present you as charming

 

Other House Manners:

• This is not a hotel. Clean up after yourself and make your bed every morning.

• Brush your teeth before breakfast.

• Sleep in, but not past 9am.

• If you sleep in the upstairs bedroom, always close the blinds before exiting.

• Always watch films with everyone, and be prepared for discussion.**

• Have good family relationships, or be prepared to express the reason for bad ones.

• Be well traveled, or be prepared to explain why you are not. 

• Do not break anything.

• Do not wear too much makeup, do not wear short shorts or short shirts, do not wear leggings or sweatpants, do not wear sneaker-socks with dress shoes, do not come to breakfast in pyjamas, do not wear a bathing suit indoors.

• Do not drink too much water.*** Never drink a whole glass in one sip.

• Do not walk barefoot. 

• Smell good.

• Do not take your shoes off indoors, but do not bring in an ounce of sand or dirt.

• Do not straighten your hair.

• Do not burp.****

• Know your religious identity. Better if you believe in God, but you must be able to defend why you don’t.

• Do not check your phone, unless alone.

• Know who Mies Van Der Rohe is.

• Be athletic, but not so athletic that you look athletic. 

• At the Italian ice cream shop, order one scoop pear and one scoop dark chocolate.*****

• Know the rules of the Bathing Corporation, or Beach Club as some might call it.******

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* Place non slip tablecloth underlay onto table. Place a tablecloth onto that. These should be found on the right of the oven, fourth drawer from the top. This is, of course, if the mood of the meal requires a tablecloth. If not, which you should be able to determine, find the placemats located on the bottom drawer on the left side of the oven. Pick plates matching cloth or mats of choice. Place fork on left of plate, and knife on right. The sharp sides of the knife should face the plate. Cutlery changes based on menu, so verify before setting the table. Fish and red meat require special attention. You may ask for help locating cutlery options. Place a larger glass (for water) above a plate, on the center to the left. Place a smaller glass (for wine) directly to the right of the water glass. Find napkins to match placemats or tablecloth, cutlery, and glasses. All napkins are located on the left side of the island, parallel to the oven. Let the lady of the house decorate the table with her choice of flowers or candles. Let the man of the house set the lighting. Prepare serving tableware and dessert plates, spoons and forks for later.

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** In fact, come having watched other films, read a book or listened to a podcast. New information and cultural topics impress.

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*** At meals, two glasses maximum including the one you start with. Grandmothers do not accept seeing you serve yourself more than once.

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**** This might even be an understatement. You cannot even know what burping is.

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***** At the American ice cream shop, order a kiddie cup with Moose Tracks and hot fudge.

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****** No jeans, no white pants before Memorial Day, no homosexuality or feminism.